Toilet paper is the new bitcoin

The Government statistician has conducted a study into the correlation between the daily number of covid cases and the number of toilet paper rolls on the shelves of the Coles store in Mt Druitt.

“The results were fascinating,” said Peter Bidet, the chief statistician. “As soon as covid infections hit 1,000, the number of toilet rolls the Coles store in Mt Druitt declined to under five.”

“We are now including the Health Dept in our analysis so that we can determine the correlation between toilet paper assholes and assholes who buy toilet paper.”

In the central business district of Sydney, the dailydrex caught up with Bingbing Tang, chief cryptocurrency trader at the Bank of China and her colleague Helen who just had their second Pfizer vaccination.

“It was easy,” said Bingbing. We walked into the clinic, a nurse jabbed us, and in 30 seconds we were done.”

“After I read the study by the Government statistician into the correlation between the daily number of covid cases and the number of toilet paper rolls on the shelves of the Coles store in Mt Druitt, I developed a new equity called cryptopaper, a cross between cryptocurrency and toilet paper.”

“At the Bank of China they loved it. It’s a digital toilet paper that you can now trade on the Australian Stock Exchange. The bank has backed it all the way to Mt Druitt.” Bingbing had a big smile on her face.

“And I am hoping to list it on the Beijing bourse and New York Stock Exchange by the end of the year.”

“We have already had enormous interest from Elon Musk,” said Bingbing, “who everyone knows is a big fan of bitcoin.”

“If cryptopaper becomes as popular as the interest it is generating, I might soon overtake Mr Musk as the richest person in the world.”

“Helen and I have been busy bees. We have worked very hard to develop cryptopaper, but hey, no pain no gain. Right?”